Do You Know!
by VanillaFlavored
Summary: AU-Hanatarou and Toshiro get caught trying to steal from a convenient store and while in holding, Hanatarou is freaking out about being sent prison in fear of being raped. ONESHOT CRACKFIC! No HitsuHana/HanaHitsu, but supposed OCxHitsu and OCxHana.


**You Know What They Do to Guys Like Us In Prison?**

_(It's the original title)_

Summary: **AU – Hanatarou and Hitsugaya get caught trying to steal from a convenient store and while in holding, Hanatarou is freaking out about being sent prison in fear of being raped. ONESHOT CRACKFIC. No HitsuHana/HanaHitsu, but supposed OCxHitsu and OCxHana.**

A/N (**READ IT**): **Yes, I'm high. Thank you. TOTAL crackfic right here. Inspirations? The Boondocks, two episodes of Bleach, My Chemical Romance, and lack of sleep. Why? Because Robert has always had that fear of being anally raped in prison, I was watching Bleach when I started thinking about crack pairings, I was listening to '**_**You Know What They Do to Guys Like Us In Prison?'**_** by MCR, and I'd been staying up late. ****Really, it was 3:20am when I thought of this. And I have a STRONG urge to write a Hanatarou-centric'ed fic. But I must repress that urge.**

**God, I'm tired. Ugh. I really need to stop with the Bleach crack pairings. Seriously. I was thinking about **_**Chad**_** with **_**Hanatarou **_**(holy hell, I actually found **_**one**_** fic!),**** and **_**Momo **_**with **_**Hanatarou **_**(which isn't **_**all**_** that bad), and – I'm not going to lie – **_**Hitsugaya**_** with **_**Hanatarou **_**(which would be the most logical one next to HanaMomo in this situation).**

**I mean, Chad? **_**Chad**_**? The hell, man? Yeah. I was **_**that**_** tired. :P**

**And I'm just going to warn you now, this story contains non-consensual sex in prison. I mean, it's just an explanation/walk-through coming from a _very_ paranoid Hanatarou, but, still. So, if you find that offensive, don't read this. Seriously. Don't. I don't wanna hear anyone yelling at me because they found this incredibly offensive. Anyone does it, I'll point back to my A/N _and_ Warning, YELL BACK, and I'll smack you through the web. **

Warning: **CRRRAAAAAACKKKK! *chokes* *has coughing fit* Sorry. Yeah. Massive crackfic. And they get "raped". In Hanatarou's mind. So, if you didn't read the A/N like you were supposed to, and you find rape offensive, leave. There's **_**definite**_** OOCness. And there's strong language (because, truthfully, I **_**really**_** like to swear, as unhealthy as that may be). So, we're going to make this fic M.**

Disclaimer: **They isn't mine. The characters belong to Tite Kubo.**

* * *

"Ho~ly shit," Hanatarou said loudly, pulling his hair and digging his nails into his scalp. "Holy shit! I'm gonna die!"

"Calm down, you fucking baby," Toshiro sighed. "You're gonna be fine." The white-haired male sat down on the dirty bench attached to the wall. It was cold, hard, and uncomfortable.

"How the hell can you be so calm about this?" Hanatarou exclaimed. "They're going to send us to _prison_!"

Toshiro closed his eyes and leaned his head back against the wall. "For stealing a few cans of beer, a pack of cigs, and some Mentos? I don't think so."

"You don't know that!" The black-haired male said. "They could if they wanted to!"

"But they _can't_," Toshiro said. "It's not like we _robbed_ the convenient store."

"_Stealing_ is like _robbing_," Hanatarou said. "They pretty much have the same meaning! ARGH! I can't _believe _you talked me into doing that!"

"Hey, you were the one who said it'd be fun," Toshiro said. "I only brought it up as a joke."

"Liar!" The darker-haired male shouted. "_You_ were the one pressuring me into stealing the beer!"

"And instead you stole the Mentos," Toshiro ran his hand threw his white hair. "_I _was the one who had to steal the smokes and beer, because you were being a little bitch."

Hanatarou let out a loud cry and hid his face in his hands. "What's so bad about going to prison anyway?" Toshiro asked. "Besides the fact it's prison."

"Mmhm hmm hmm mmmm," Hanatarou mumbled loudly into his hands.

"What?" The white-haired male asked, annoyed. "Stop talking to your hands."

Hanatarou lifted his head from his hands and yelled, "Because they'll rape me!"

The holding cell the two men were in went quiet. Toshiro raised an eyebrow at Hanatarou's words. "Rape you?" he asked.

"Yes," Hanatarou exclaimed. He was on the verge of tears. "I mean, do you know what they _do_ to guys like _us_ in prison?" He started to cry. "I'll have to become someone's bitch!"

"Too late," Toshiro whispered. Hanatarou was cry too loud to hear him. "Wait, _us_?"

"Yes, _us_!" Hanatarou cried. He fell to the floor. "We're both short, adorable, and bottom-like!"

"O~kay," Toshiro stared at the man on the floor, watching as he rolled back and forth on his sides. "I may be short, but I'm not _adorable_. I'm sexy. And what the hell does 'bottom-like' mean?"

Hanatarou sobbed. "I-It m-m-means y-you're the bi-bitch. Th-that you t-take it uh-up the a-as~s."

"...First of all, I ain't _no one's_ bitch," Toshiro said. "And second, why the _hell_ do you think you're gonna get raped in prison?"

Hanatarou looked up at the white-haired male. A mixture of tears and snot ran down his face. "Have you _never_ seen the movies?" he yelled. "The shows? THE SOAP, MAN! THE SOAP!"

"Oh, shut up." Toshiro closed his eyes. "That's not gonna happen. You're too loud. They'll just beat you 'til you die." Hanatarou wailed, echoing throughout the holding cell.

"Hey!" A deep voice from the outside yelled. "Quiet down in there!"

Hanatarou's sobs quieted down a notch. _Only_ a notch.

"Oh, ga~wd," he hiccuped again. "I can already see it. We'll be innocently taking a shower, you know? Just washing our bodies off from all the dirty, nasty things that lurk in prison. Then, when I try to pass you the soap, it'll suddenly slip from my hands and it'll fall to the ground in super slow-mo. We'll watch it, helpless and horrified, as we say, 'No~ooo!', also in super slow-mo. It would fall to the ground with a light _tap. _And then, we'll hear evil chuckles behind us. Like, 'heh heh heh', you know? And we'll look behind us and these _big, nasty_, _hairy_, _ugly,_ _old guys_ would give us big pervy grins and they'll say, 'You better pick that up! We don't want our soap to go to waste.' We'd look down and see that they have the hugest penises we've ever seen! Like, they almost go down to their _knees_! I'll start to cry, and you being the bigger man of the two of us, you'll grit your teeth and start to bend over to grab the soap, but I'm too busy crying that I don't even notice you going for it, so I try to go for it too, and then-... And then-!" Hanatarou let out the loud cry of anguish. "They bend us all the way over, to the point where our foreheads are touching out knees, and they'll ram into us over and over and _over_ again, until we're bleeding from our asses and throwing up and _dying_! Hell, they could even be necrophiliacs and they'd do us when we're already _dead_! But before we die, they'll take turns with who gets to ass-fuck us and who gets to mouth-fuck us! We'd be gang-raped! THEY'D KILL US-!

_SLAP!_

"Will you _please_ shut the _fuck_ up?" Toshiro shouted. He was standing above the dark-haired male, Toshiro's hands clutching the collar of Hanatarou's shirt. "You're really fucking annoying. Just _shut up_. Why the hell did you have to go into _full_-fucking_-detail_?_"_ Toshiro let go of his shirt. Hanatarou fall back onto the floor. "C'mon. We're being released."

"THEY'RE SENDING US TO PRISON?"

Another loud smack echoed through the holding cell. "We're being _released_, not being sent to _prison_, you fucking dumb-ass!"

* * *

...eh-heh. Yeah, I-. ***is shot multiple times in the head***

I'm sorry! I know; I fail! It's what I get for staying up late! Dx

I need to stop with the crackfics, man. I mean, I've already got another idea. _Another idea_! Like I don't have enough! Plus, I still gotta finish that SasuNaru 100 Theme Challenge that I haven't updated in, like, five days. Ugh. My mind is such a bitch. :P


End file.
